I have been unplugged for a while. Trying to get back to some kind of “normal” existence. I am sure that at some point things will become normal, but that hasn’t happened for me yet. I seem to be in a cycle of ups and downs. From talking to some other survivors, I expect this to continue for the foreseeable future. I am kind of in a limbo where people expect me to go back to normal, or just be happy all the time, when I can really bring myself to be positive all of the time. Most of the time I can do it, but not all the time. Sometimes things just suck. Sometimes my anxiety about having a recurrence is paralyzing. Sometimes I realize that the anti-depressants need to be in my system. Obviously, this is one of those times. So, I’m taking my pills and waiting for it to pass. I am spending my time thinking about my friends who are have recurrences and surgeries and fighting so hard. I know 4 women who had hysterectomies in December. On what planet is that right? I know 3 people in treatment for recurrences. None of that is about me, but it definitely weighs on me. I’m trying to fill my mind with positive thoughts, all of the people I know who have never had a recurrence or who responded so well to chemo that it gives me hope. It’s tough up there in my brain.
I should catch you up on a few things that have been going on… first I started getting some odd symptoms so my doctor ordered a brain MRI a few weeks ago and I’m happy to say that it was clear. That is always good news. Second, I had my 6 month visit last week which was also good. My doctor doesn’t do any scans or look at the CA-125 which still really makes me very nervous. She does a CBC, exam and asks me about my symptoms. I’m seriously thinking about changing doctors simply because dealing with the anxiety I’m having over not having that blood work or scans is getting really hard. I’m sure it’s adding to my current low. I understand the reasons why she does thing this way, and my logical mind can see that but my emotions are harder to convince. She also pulled a vitamin D level and that was super low. So, in addition to the 2,000 unit dose I’m taking daily, I am now on a weekly 50,000 unit pill to boost that level. I get another blood test in 8 weeks to see if it’s working. Lastly I saw my plastic surgeon this week and I’m looking at two more surgeries at least this year. The first surgery will likely be around May and will take more skin from my right side as well as reducing the pocket that the implant is in. Apparently gravity is becoming my enemy over here. Saying that is pretty funny since the implants are so much smaller than my actual boobs were, but since the skin on the right side was not radiated, it is “relaxing” after the implant surgery which, while normal, does not match the radiated left side. The skin on my radiated side will stay high and tight – it feels like plastic to me. The softer skin on the right needs to be adjusted to match. After that surgery, most likely around August I will have the fat grafting. For now I also need to do breast massage twice daily to try and break up the scar tissue and prepare for surgery. This may sound risque but since I have no nerves, trust me it’s purely medical. It will also hopefully help the pain I have around the implants where the nerves start again. My doctor said it will never feel “normal” but over time it should have some ability to improve.
Lastly, I’ve been making some pretty big diet changes which I’ve blogged about in the past. My weight is coming down nicely and I’ve found the changes to be easier than I expected most days. I’ve cut out sugar, dairy, and most animal products which leaves me pretty much vegan. I started this in December with a cleanse and it’s worked out well. I managed to get the flu right at New Year’s so that messed me up a bit, but I’m back on track.
We went to Atlanta for two weeks over Thanksgiving and stayed with my in-laws. We had a really great time and it was wonderful to see all of our friends and family there. Unfortunately we had to cancel our Disney trip for the second year in a row. Maybe next year we’ll actually have these bills paid off and be able to go. Christmas was wonderful, we had a dear friend sponsor the kids Christmas which I have never experienced and saved us. And we rang in the New Year by seeing the Avs game and me taking NyQuil and going to bed early. Here’s to a better 2014!