Dark days

Well, as I’ve said many times before, if I’m not posting that usually isn’t a good sign. That holds true yet again. I had many, many warnings that the end of treatment frequently is a lot harder than anticipated. I didn’t think it would apply to me, but clearly it does. I started taking my anti-depressants again and am waiting for them to kick in. It generally takes about two weeks so I’ve got a ways to go. Life is pretty much a shit sandwich right now but of course I’d rather be in this one than be told I’ve got cancer again so I’m trying to keep it in perspective.

Eric was able to find a job but he doesn’t start until next week. That will be right at about two months without a paycheck which I’m pretty sure would put a strain on anyone, but holy crap. It’s tough. One of our friends has offered to match donations (see the make a donation tab) so if you are inclined to help us, it would count for double right now. Anything helps. Thank you!!!

We’ve had to find our own insurance with Eric losing his job. Luckily we were referred to an insurance broker who is helping a lot, I knew no one would cover me but I was shocked that Eric actually got declined as well. So that has become a huge hassle, not to mention an expensive one. Many thanks to mom and dad for helping us pay that premium! I will be going on Cover Colorado which I really wish I had known about a long time ago. We wouldn’t be in anywhere near the amount of debt we are now if I had switched over when I got diagnosed. But, I can’t do anything about it now so I’m trying to ignore it.

My next scan should be in September which is obviously a huge source of stress. I have not had a scan since before surgery so until I get a clear one I am not “cancer free”. The thought that it could still be in there weighs on me heavily. Of course they told me they got everything with surgery and I’ve had chemo and radiation since then, but knowing that the first three chemo drugs didn’t work leaves me less than confident that the others did. I know that there is a possibility of radiation not working (very slight, but so is chemo not working) so I can’t help but think about that scenario as well. I just never dreamed that treatment wouldn’t work and now I have to face the possibility that it continued not to. I know I should think positively but it’s hard to do that right now.

Plus, along with everything else I just feel depressed. I don’t know any better way to put it. There is nothing specific which is really shocking considering everything going on. That in itself is concerning since it seems like I should care a lot more about everything than I’m able to muster right now. It’s just an underlying feeling that I have all the time right now. I don’t want to go out, or be productive, or really anything. I’m more tired than even my normal run down self and I would like to just stay in bed for a few days I think. But I know that’s not going to happen.

To top it all off, I feel guilty. I’m done with treatment. I should be happy. I have several people in my daily life who don’t get the luxury of being done. Ever. I have more than one friend on hospice right now. It is tragic. Yet I can’t get happy. I don’t understand.

From what I’ve been told by multiple people, this is a VERY common part of treatment. At least I’m in good company.

On a happier note, for those of you who may be local to Denver, Hope for Young Adults with Cancer is having our first event – next Thursday, July 25th at 6:30pm at The D Note in Olde Town Arvada. We will be having a Quiz for a Cause. Geeks Who Drink will be hosting trivia – $5 to play, the winner gets a cash prize and the rest goes to Hope4YAWC. Get a team together and come join us!

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2 Responses to Dark days

  1. L Ayson says:

    You’ve got a lot on your plate! Hope the antidepressant pills help you out – anything you can do to help your body and mind recover is a good thing. It’s tough coming out of treatment – there’s so much to “go back to” and yet the world is now seen through different eyes. I will be thinking only positive thoughts about your upcoming scan. Will you be taking a buddy along? Sometimes that helps with the “scanxiety.” Thinking of you.

  2. Tamasin says:

    Hi Jenn, I’m 21 and have just been diagnosed with stage 2 ovarian cancer. I just stumbled across your blog and wanted to say thank you for being so real about this all – you’re an inspiration and you’re helping me more than you know. Best of luck in your journey to recovery.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Tamasin x

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