I’ve never been a country music fan, if that’s what the song is even considered, but I am aware of it and it seems like it fits today pretty perfectly. At least the title as I don’t really know the rest of it. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I haven’t taken my anti depressant since I got back from Reno. Whoops. I was really good about taking it every morning but somehow with the trip my habits changed and I just totally forgot. It occurred to me that I hadn’t taken it after a night of really bad thoughts and a lot of pretty violent vomiting this morning. Cancer is pretty glamourous, I know.
I’ve been to they gym Monday and Tuesday and am doing some research about diet and recipes to try. I need to motivate myself and actually found a great recipe on people.com of all places. Here it is:
Raw Taco Gorilla Wraps (from Kimberly Snyder’s book Beauty Detox Foods)
2 cups walnuts
1 tbsp ground cumin
1.5 tsp chili powder
1.5 tsp ground coriander
pinch of cayenne (optional)
2 tbsp low-sodium tamari
6 large collard green leaves, stems removed and 2″ trimmed from the bottom
Process first 5 ingredients in a food processor until coarsely ground.
Place trimmed collard leaf, dark side down, on cutting board. Spoon 1/4 to 1/2 cup walnut mixture in middle of leaf. Top with appx 1 tbsp salsa. Roll leaf burrito style.
I was a little nervous about the collard green leaf but it turned out to be awesome. It tasted good and was the perfect elasticity for a wrap. I made a bunch and kept them in the fridge. They only lasted a day but they kept great and Evelyn couldn’t get enough as evidenced below:
In my social media exploration I stumbled across the site mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com . I was very moved by the photographic documentation of their journey and by the story in general. It also brought me to thelivesincerlyproject.com and again I was so moved by the strength of these women and their loved ones. Living Sincerely is a movement these women have created about living each day with purpose and that even though things are really crappy sometimes, we can get through it with grace and respect. Check out their page if you have the time. Both went through treatment like me and then relapsed and were given a stage 4 diagnosis which is basically at best a few years. My mind just went to so many places last night. This is of course my biggest fear. I’m sure it is for every survivor. What if it comes back and it’s too late? I am especially afraid since I did not respond to chemo – I don’t even know if I would be able to fight it. Deep down, that’s really what it boils down to. I feel like I know what is going to kill me and I’m really just waiting to find out how much time I have. If I can make it to that 5 year cancerversary that will be huge. Even making it to year 3 I feel like will be reassuring. Recurrance rates for my type are highest in the first few years. It is scary. Sometimes I wonder why I was able to live for so long without kids to finally have them and realize how happy they make me, and then before my youngest was even 18 months I get this diagnosis. How could I do something so profound as to become a mother only to be taken from them in such a helpless way? But I know I am not being taken yet. I have to control the few things in life that I can and try to be here for as long as I can. I know, logically, that so many people have diagnosis that are so much worse than mine and they are sometimes able to live for a long time. I was stage 2. They got it all. I just need to keep repeating that. I was lucky – luckier than the doctors expected which I don’t think happens very often. But that is what I was thinking about last night. Like I said, low places.
This morning I got up before the sun (once again) with Evelyn. I think the lack of sleep is most likely not helping. I peeled some mandarin oranges for her and started puking. It wasn’t pretty. That was when it finally occurred to me that I haven’t had thoughts like last night’s for quite a while. Chemo week is always tough, but I am past that for the most part so why am I feeling this way? Oh yeah, I’m not taking my meds. Apparently I’m not ready to be off yet, huh?
I do think realizing that has helped and I have obviously started them back up. I have meds on hand to get me through as needed until they kick back in and just being aware I feel like goes a long way. I have a tremendous amount of respect for people who are stage 4 and make it through every day. For their loved ones and everyone around them that functions and gets through everything in one piece. I did read a very hopeful article this morning on a new drug that has been shown to kill every cancer type it has been tested on. I’m not sure how far away it is from being tested on humans, but so far it looks like it could be an amazing advancement. At least it gives us hope. http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/every_cancer_kills_tumor_them_kind_L9lppJmy9gCoS848cSzqbP
So, here’s to hope!