Holding it together – kind of

Well, I’ve been away for a week so I guess I need to do better at updating more. This past week has been somewhat of a roller coaster. I had a few days where mentally I felt good, physically I was pretty exhausted and I had some sick-type symptoms so I think my counts were really low. But overall I was decently happy and glad that the anxiety seemed to be so much better. Then I entered kind of a bitchy phase where everything seemed to irritate me which lasted a couple days. Then the anxiety started to creep back. As I get closer to Monday and knowing another treatment is coming, the symptoms are sneaking back. Not only is it stressful, but it’s somewhat depressing since I was really hopeful that they would just be gone this round. I know I need to think in baby steps – better rather than gone, but it’s just hard to not hope for it to be gone. And obviously it is not. So, I will hope the meds at least make it more tolerable.

I made an appointment to get a fill on Friday which gave me a lot of anxiety. This may be my last fill so I’m trying to think of the progress rather than the pain I will have. At least, my conscious mind is trying to think of the progress. My unconscious mind thinks of the pain, anxiety filled.

My PT continues to be good. I learned a massage regimen that I need to start doing before bed each night. The lymphatic system is right under the skin so it’s not massage as we normally think about it – if you’re pressing the muscle, it’s too hard. This is a very gentle flat finger technique that makes me think more like brushing your skin with your hand rather than massage. But between this and the exercises, it should help me not develop lymphadema. The therapists are my best appointment by far, I always feel helped by their advice and I feel like I’m improving myself.

The kids have been a roller coaster too. I am really trying to enjoy them and keep my head there, although there are some challenges. Monday morning I was giving Evelyn some diaper-free time as she is working towards potty training. She ate my first breakfast (I’ve started eating cut up fruit and berries every morning) so as I made myself another bowl and tried to eat it, she and Fletch went to play in his room. I listened to them playing which didn’t sound unusual, but they started getting kind of loud so I went back to check on them. They had about 6 blankets that they had made into a nest, and Fletcher had apparently gotten into the high cabinet and gotten a huge container of sprinkles. They had proceeded to dump this over each other in his room. Evelyn also pee’d in the middle of the mess. Seriously. While I was trying to get everything out of his room and clean it up, Evelyn came back to tell me that she had pooped on the couch. SERIOUSLY. At least the couch is leather so I was able to clean it and Clorox the whole thing, but that was the kind of morning where I was just waiting for a hidden camera to pop out. It continued into the night when Fletch woke up in the middle of the night and snuck out to polish off a pan of brownies. He either shared them with Evelyn or made enough noise to wake her because they were both up (sugar high?) until after 3:00am. Luckily, these days were not part of my bitchy phase or I may have lost my mind. Also these insane moments are balanced with amazing cuteness that makes parents forget about the insanity. A couple examples of this would be Evelyn holding her huge elephant on her potty seat (I’m still trying to be fast enough to get a picture of this), and Fletcher cuddling with me and every day asking if he told me he loved me yet (he finds time to do this every day).

So, I guess I’m just trying to hold it together at this point. Trying not to be too stressed (although I can feel it so much). I’m working to have alone time each day and exercise more to get those endorphins flowing – many thanks to mom for helping with this. I want the time to go by fast so I will be done with my treatments, but at the same time I’m so stressed by it flying by because I know that treatment is coming. It is hard. It’s getting harder to fall asleep, harder to turn my mind off as I get closer to Friday, and to Monday right behind it.

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2 Responses to Holding it together – kind of

  1. I have to tell you that this brought such a smile to my face. I know right now it is hard to manage the frustration that comes with some of the kids’ antics, but it actually made me think about down the road when you are done with all these treatments and back on to your new normal and I can’t wait for you to sit down and re-read this post in particular. You are really going to crack up. It will be priceless.

  2. Joe Smeltzer says:

    Wanna know something crazy? I pooped on the couch Monday morning too! So weird how in sync we are sometimes.

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