I don’t want to speak too soon, but I think I’m experiencing some improvement. The breathing and meditation are helping, I only threw up maybe half a dozen times yesterday. Today I woke up and I felt better. Not a complete 180 mind you, but I wasn’t running for the nearest acceptable bin to vomit which is an improvement by any standards. Could be the anti-depressent kicking in too, not sure. In any case, I will take it. And hope it lasts. If my mental state is doing all this bad stuff to me, it seems like I should be able to make a big mental effort and turn it around, right?
I was able to go out for a walk yesterday and the weather is beautiful. The mountains are beautiful. I kept looking around telling myself I’m going to live and I’m going to be okay and hopefully one of these times I will believe it. I met up with one of our neighborhood personalities on my walk and spent about 30 minutes walking with him. He was in a car accident in 1972. He was severely injured and lives a quiet life near us now. His brother bought him a house across the street and he holds down a job bagging groceries at the local store. He lives simply, but he lives and he is thankful for everything he has. One of the things he does not have is any short term memory. I’ve been around long enough that he knows he knows me, but he never remembers my name or my family. I don’t mind reminding him (which I do several times on our walks). After he was off life support and his body had recovered from the accident, it took him a year to learn to walk again. Longer than that to learn to speak. Yet he is happy and thankful for every day he gets. I need to learn from him. I know he has had almost 40 years to gain perspective, but I need to get just a little bit. I’m working on it.
This morning I got up and went to PT. I love going there. I feel like they are helping my body become better in ways that I don’t know how. They do lots of massage to break up the scar tissue and treat me with kinesiology tape to reduce fluids. Plus they give me people to ask questions to that have no agenda when answering. They tell me what to expect and I feel like it helps. I’m going to see them twice next week. My homework is to work on the incisions. They are somewhat dry and need to be massaged to keep the skin supple. Apparently the doctor will use the same incisions to go in for the exchange surgery so we want to make sure they’re going to heal really well from that. I didn’t know how that would work so it’s nice to have more information. I do still need to get the rest of the tissue expanders filled. I have to wait for my counts to come up and then see if he wants to do it all in one or split it up. I was in some serious pain after the last one so I am kind of at a loss if it’s better to have the pain for a few days and be done or break it up. I guess we’ll just see what he wants to do.
I noticed when I was getting dressed in their office that my hair is really starting to come in. It looked blonde in the light there so maybe it will come back in like it was, who knows. It’s funny to see the puff of hair, almost like a dandelion. I’m not sure how patchy it’s coming in, it may be pretty hit or miss through the rest of this chemo, or it could actually start coming in so we’ll just have to wait and see. It seems to be coming in faster right now. I also shaved under my arms yesterday for the first time in several months (man it was nice to not have to). I didn’t realize how numb my left underarm is until then. I’m sure it’s from taking the lymph nodes, it’s just funny I didn’t realize it until shaving.
The kids are absolutely bonkers, but they are playing together wonderfully so I’m thankful for that. I remember being so worried about how Fletcher would respond to a sibling when I was pregnant and I clearly didn’t need to waste my time. They’ve been frick and frack ever since she was born. Evelyn didn’t wear pants all day yesterday and only had one accident, everything else went in the potty. I think it’s about time to get her some big girl panties to run around in, although two year old tush is about the cutest thing on the planet so that might be helping lighten my mood.