It’s been a while, and as most of you can imagine that’s not a good thing. I’ve had many people contact me so it’s nice to know that some of you out there are still reading.
This past week has been one of the hardest yet it seems like. Although, I do try to forget the hard weeks so who knows. In any case, this one sucked. My cousin came to chemo with me on Monday. We played cards and had a good time – I think it was highly unusual to hear laughter in the infusion center which was nice to be a part of. The chemo kicked in on Tuesday instead of giving me the normal 48 hours and it was rough. I started throwing up that day and kept it up through yesterday. My goal today is not to puke. I didn’t weigh myself this morning, but yesterday I was down 7 pounds from Monday. I went in yesterday to get fluids and it was really rough to be there. I’m glad I only have to go in once every three weeks for chemo.
The hardest part is I think most of it was mental. I’m just so out of it. I don’t want to make myself sick again so I’m not going to go into too much detail, but my head is just a bad place. Part of it I think has been a response to try to get the chemo out of my body. Part of it has been a physical response to myself – seeing my bald head, feeling my tissue expanders as such a fake and impossible thing to be a part of me. Just complete rebellion in my mind. I haven’t been able to do my muscle massage for the tissue expanders this week, and have started vomiting in the shower just from seeing my chest. I’m working hard to get my head in a better space.
Thursday morning I got a call from CU that I qualify for the PARP study. When I was there, they said that I could only qualify if I had residual cancer after surgery or positive lymph nodes. Since I didn’t have either of these, the call sent me into a mental panic. She explained that I qualified because of the size of the tumors, but this didn’t make things better. I could barely get her off the phone and run to the sink before throwing up. I’m amazed at the power of the mind. When I went in to get fluids yesterday, I got sick 3 times just from walking into the infusion center and having my port accessed. I did get fluids and anti nausea meds so hopefully those will help break the cycle. I was able to drink some Gatorade last night and again this morning. I still have no appetite and drinking is dicey but it’s at least something. I did have to pee twice during the night so I must be rehydrated.
I knew cancer was going to be hard, but I never imagined it would be this much of a struggle to get through the every day things. I would guess that everyone who goes through this goes through something similar, but I don’t know. I am working with a couple people to try to get through this, along with multiple medications. I know I’m not just going to wake up one day and be all better, but I wish for it.