Hard week in a dark mind

It’s been a while, and as most of you can imagine that’s not a good thing. I’ve had many people contact me so it’s nice to know that some of you out there are still reading.

This past week has been one of the hardest yet it seems like. Although, I do try to forget the hard weeks so who knows. In any case, this one sucked. My cousin came to chemo with me on Monday. We played cards and had a good time – I think it was highly unusual to hear laughter in the infusion center which was nice to be a part of. The chemo kicked in on Tuesday instead of giving me the normal 48 hours and it was rough. I started throwing up that day and kept it up through yesterday. My goal today is not to puke. I didn’t weigh myself this morning, but yesterday I was down 7 pounds from Monday. I went in yesterday to get fluids and it was really rough to be there. I’m glad I only have to go in once every three weeks for chemo.

The hardest part is I think most of it was mental. I’m just so out of it. I don’t want to make myself sick again so I’m not going to go into too much detail, but my head is just a bad place. Part of it I think has been a response to try to get the chemo out of my body. Part of it has been a physical response to myself – seeing my bald head, feeling my tissue expanders as such a fake and impossible thing to be a part of me. Just complete rebellion in my mind. I haven’t been able to do my muscle massage for the tissue expanders this week, and have started vomiting in the shower just from seeing my chest. I’m working hard to get my head in a better space.

Thursday morning I got a call from CU that I qualify for the PARP study. When I was there, they said that I could only qualify if I had residual cancer after surgery or positive lymph nodes. Since I didn’t have either of these, the call sent me into a mental panic. She explained that I qualified because of the size of the tumors, but this didn’t make things better. I could barely get her off the phone and run to the sink before throwing up. I’m amazed at the power of the mind. When I went in to get fluids yesterday, I got sick 3 times just from walking into the infusion center and having my port accessed. I did get fluids and anti nausea meds so hopefully those will help break the cycle. I was able to drink some Gatorade last night and again this morning. I still have no appetite and drinking is dicey but it’s at least something. I did have to pee twice during the night so I must be rehydrated.

I knew cancer was going to be hard, but I never imagined it would be this much of a struggle to get through the every day things. I would guess that everyone who goes through this goes through something similar, but I don’t know. I am working with a couple people to try to get through this, along with multiple medications. I know I’m not just going to wake up one day and be all better, but I wish for it.

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11 Responses to Hard week in a dark mind

  1. OH I wish I were nearby to hug you. Are you taking your anti-nausea meds constantly? Make sure you take them even if you’re not nauseous. Don’t eat any greasy foods…just bland foods for now. I get it ~ the whole surreal feeling that you have about your expanders etc. I’ve been there. You are right…it is so hard to accept and to deal with, but slowly it gets better. Please email me if you need someone to talk with ~ I’m here for you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

  2. Regina Kitchens says:

    Hang in there Girl! You are on the home stretch. Maybe listen to relaxation music… along with massage. Praying for you! Keep the faith.

    Regina Kitchens http://www.rockingkshihtzu.com 678-859-8782 Sent from my iPhone

  3. Jamie says:

    Thinking of you Jenn. I don’t have any comforting words for you but know that I think of you daily and hope this passes quickly. You are an amazing person, thank you for sharing this journey with everyone and being so open and honest.

  4. Joyce Fetterman says:

    I’ve been staring at this empty Comments box for several minutes, wanting to say something helpful or encouraging, but I’ve got nothin’. Your situation is so damned wrong. You are such a lovely person, with a loving and beautiful family, and you should be facing nothing worse than PTA in-fighting or some dumbass cutting in front of you in the express checkout with a full cart. You’re getting smacked around by rogue cells too small to even see unless they gang up. What the hell! Jenn, please keep fighting. It sucks that you have to fight at all, but fight on. Savor the good days and know that there will be many, many good days all strung together in your future. I believe that you’ll win. I know that you’ll win. You will beat the bad days and the feeling lousy, and some day you’ll invite friends over to watch as you ritually burn your no-longer-needed tissue expanders. I send you love and hope from the ATL.

  5. Gina taylor says:

    Jen, I pray constantly for you. Going through all your treatments and putting your head around the changes in your body can only be described as overwhelming. Your strength and fight is incredible. Please know you and your family are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Xoxo

  6. I’m so sorry for your struggles. Having cancer is bad enough, treatment shouldn’t be this hard on you. I hope things turn around very soon and you can get through the rest of treatment in a better place emotionally and physically.

  7. Lauri says:

    Love you sweetie! It makes me sad and sick at the same time. I’m glad you’re posting. Your Xmas pic isn’t coming down anytime soon. I look at you every single day and pray for your strength and to be out of this bullshit soon. One day you will back on this experience and say, “Wow….that REALLY sucked more than I thought when I was going through it!’

  8. Your posts really hit home with me and I wish with all my heart that I could do something that would take all of this away for you. My biggest struggles in my mind come from being angry that what I went through didn’t seem to make it better for anyone. My struggles were different but the despair and anger is something I truly understand. It doesn’t help to be told it will get better, but it will. Unfortunately it is part of the process and I think you’ve actually gone through a lot more than most before it hit you. You are human and therefore you won’t be perfect. So don’t worry about doing or saying or feeling the “right” thing. I pray that these dark times will fly by faster for you since I know that nobody can take them away. One day at a time, as much as that sucks, is what will get you to the better days.

  9. Chrissy ray says:

    Know that you are an amazing and inspiring woman! And we are still listening…

  10. Joe Smeltzer says:

    Biggest fan right here in Texas. I have no perspective to try to say I “feel ya”. I don’t. I will tell you that every day that you make it through — bald, expanders, pukin’, all that shit — the world is a better place. For the babies, Eric, and me at the very least. Call me any time. Chat with me any time. Get through this phase and get back to creating your new normal. Love you.

  11. Lara says:

    Nothing to say that will make you feel any better about this nightmare, but you have so many people pulling for you. You WILL make it through this.Hugs-Lara

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