Faking it

Well, here I am again.  Not sleeping.  I’m not sure if this is a good thing or bad or just indifferent at this point.  I don’t really feel like I’m making progress.  I’m taking Ativan every day to keep the nausea at bay, and at times it’s not as far out there as I would like it to be.  Several things have happened.

Saturday morning, Evelyn hit her head and had to get stitches.  She and Fletch were playing and jumping on his bed.  This is the second trip to the doctor regarding jumping on the bed. It still seems to be a favorite past time and clearly the bed needs to go.  They have a trampoline, but no – the bed is where it’s at.  She took it like a trooper and I am still amazed at how she’s unfazed by the whole thing, but it just kills me to see the big gash in her forehead.  3 internal stitches and 5 external which come out on Thursday.  It will leave a scar but luckily it was an amazingly clean cut so hopefully it won’t be too noticeable as she gets older.

I’ve spent a lot of time consciously trying NOT to think about the cancer.  It seems to be the only way to keep the nausea away.  But then I’m thinking about it because I’m trying not to think about it so you see where the Ativan is coming in handy.  It makes me want to throw up to think about having anything done with my port.  The thought of the fills in the tissue expanders.  Just anything.

I’ve called my oncologist’s nurse to ask for a rundown of the stats for this chemo.  I’d like to know that all this is actually for something and I’m having a hard time convincing myself it is.  The drugs I’m getting were some of the drugs in the original trial I signed up for so I know that they are just now testing how they work on triple negative breast cancer at all.  Let alone if they have any idea if it will work on mine which hasn’t responded to any of the chemo meds.  What am I doing all of this for?  I feel like I need to believe it is for something to feel okay about doing it.  Maybe I’m crazy.

I’ve been looking into more support groups and have been assigned a support person that I spoke to tonight and I really liked her.  It was good to speak to someone who’s been through a lot.  She did tell me that the tissue expanders never stop sucking so I guess I can forget about them ever getting comfortable.  But the implants feel better right away and normal after a few weeks.  If I ever get there anyway.

Hopefully I will be able to get in this week to have the meeting with the oncologist and I also see the radiation oncologist this week to see what they recommend.

I feel like a little kid but I really just want it to be over at this point.  I just want to be done.  I don’t want anyone else poking me or testing me.  I want to stop throwing up and having to take drugs to even attempt to feel normal (which let me tell you is no where near normal).  I want to not hurt ALL the time.  I want to be able to lay on my side in the bed.  I mean really, is that so much to ask???  I want to be able to pick up my kids.  I want to get off this ride because I just feel like this can’t be my life.  It can’t be me.

But I can’t think about all that so I will try to sleep again.  Try to act normal in the morning and get through another day.  Try to figure out how I keep going.  I thought typing might help, but I guess not tonight.

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4 Responses to Faking it

  1. Susan says:

    You don’t know me but I have been praying for you for a while now. I was on the Internet one night looking for more info on the type of cancer that my cousin has. I stumbled upon your blog. You have been so strong during this tremendous battle. I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I think about you often and wish you all the best. Please try with all you have to stay strong and positive! You CAN do this!!!

  2. Sending a huge hug your way. I agree that this all sucks especially when you feel like you are on a ride you can’t get off. I thought it would never end too, but it did. Just had my mammogram on Friday on my remaining breast and all the fear is never really gone. Baby step, Jenn…One day at a time is all you can do. Just remember that this is YOUR life and just do what YOU can. Everyone loves you no matter what. It doesn’t change anything to not live up to any “standard treatment”. You still need to have your life and be ok. Otherwise what good are you to anyone else? Find that middle ground for yourself. Whatever it turns out to be will be right for you.

  3. bigusfickes says:

    You need to get a card and drop all those drugs. Nothing has helped my OCD and social anxieties more. Well, there is one other thing, but we’ll have to talk about that offline. 😉

    We’ll get through this, I promise.

  4. Be in your funk. It will help you in the end. My fiancee has been off of treatment for about 8 months now but he had bi weekly appointments and tests with blood work for two months, then it went to monthly visits. After our next visit is going to start every 4 months. Saying the word “doctor” is now a dirty word in our house. He loves his doctors and is thankful for them but he can’t tolerate being poked and prodded anymore. I think every ” patient ” reaches that point and you have reached yours with such intensive treatment and surgeries seemingly back to back with no break.. Just talk to your doctors about how you are tired of it all. They will try to work with you, a plan giving you some off time.

    You’ve been going nonstop powering through everything since it started. You are tried of fighting. In your support groups or even browse through some forms on wordpress… you’ll learn your feelings are shared.

    I hope you start feeling better and I hope Evelyn is feeling much better.

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