So I’ve finally gotten to uncharted territory. I don’t want to talk. Me. I’ve been going a mile a minute since I was born and I just don’t have it in me anymore. My mental game is WAY off. I saw my doctor yesterday and we talked about anxiety induced vomiting and she assured me that it was a very real thing. Apparently I’ve reached that place. She gave me some Ativan and today has been better. I lost 6.5 pounds last week. I don’t recommend that diet plan. Thinking about things makes me very nauseous. Thinking about all the crap in my chest. I’m constantly thinking about the tissue expanders because they hurt. I have zero desire to get fills. I’d be fine taking them out and just quitting. Even the thought of my port, the mechanized access to a central line in my body makes me want to vomit. I am set up like some kind of freak science experiment. I can’t even drive my car to the grocery store without paying for it for three days with major pain along the stitch line in my chest. My head is in a bad place. I keep thinking – the first two cocktails didn’t work. What is the point in putting myself through this? I could say no. I could walk into the doctors office and say I quit. But I can’t. I know I can’t. I have to figure out a way to get my head around it. I go see the therapist on Friday and am trying to reach out to others who have done reconstruction with tissue expanders. Anyone who has been though chemo multiple times. How do you do it? How do you do it? How do you get back on that horse?
SuperCancer SmackDownDouble Mastectomy SurgeryNovember 29th, 2012