I’m happy to report that I am home. I’ve been having a rough time dealing with things the past couple weeks. I know that I should be happy that the cancer is out and I’m supposed to be healing. The only thing I could think is that now that the imminent danger is gone, everything else is hitting me. It’s a lot. It’s hard. It sucks. Reconstruction sucks. It hurts. These boobs better be flipping fabulous to be worth all this. Starting a whole new chemo regimen is downright depressing. All of the puking sucks. I’ve lost 14 pounds since surgery. No matter how I look at things, they suck right now. I can sit here and ask why me all day long, but it doesn’t do any good.
There is a quote that I like – “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” (Lao Tzu). I think this is the part where I have to let go. I am certainly going to try. Letting go is hard. But I think it’s really the only way to get through something like this. A person must change. Adapt. I’m not sure what the other side will be like, but I need to figure out how to get there. I will figure it out.
At least the kids never fail to cheer me up. They are so happy, Evelyn has been singing “Santa Claus is coming to town” for weeks and it’s about the cutest thing ever. Fletcher just loves so openly it is the most amazing thing. He’s always asking if he told me he loved me yet today. I am home tonight – the second night I’m spending at home since surgery. I’m feeling like actually becoming part of my normal life again will help. I also feel like I need to find something that is for me. Something that has nothing to do with the cancer and lets me forget things for a little while from time to time. I’m going to have to think about what that will be. Also, I need some date nights like nobody’s business. Eric and I haven’t had a date since I first got diagnosed. One thing at a time.