Home again, home again

I’m happy to report that I am home. I’ve been having a rough time dealing with things the past couple weeks. I know that I should be happy that the cancer is out and I’m supposed to be healing. The only thing I could think is that now that the imminent danger is gone, everything else is hitting me. It’s a lot. It’s hard. It sucks. Reconstruction sucks. It hurts. These boobs better be flipping fabulous to be worth all this. Starting a whole new chemo regimen is downright depressing. All of the puking sucks. I’ve lost 14 pounds since surgery. No matter how I look at things, they suck right now. I can sit here and ask why me all day long, but it doesn’t do any good.

There is a quote that I like – “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” (Lao Tzu). I think this is the part where I have to let go. I am certainly going to try. Letting go is hard. But I think it’s really the only way to get through something like this. A person must change. Adapt. I’m not sure what the other side will be like, but I need to figure out how to get there. I will figure it out.

At least the kids never fail to cheer me up. They are so happy, Evelyn has been singing “Santa Claus is coming to town” for weeks and it’s about the cutest thing ever. Fletcher just loves so openly it is the most amazing thing. He’s always asking if he told me he loved me yet today. I am home tonight – the second night I’m spending at home since surgery. I’m feeling like actually becoming part of my normal life again will help. I also feel like I need to find something that is for me. Something that has nothing to do with the cancer and lets me forget things for a little while from time to time. I’m going to have to think about what that will be. Also, I need some date nights like nobody’s business. Eric and I haven’t had a date since I first got diagnosed. One thing at a time.

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8 Responses to Home again, home again

  1. bigusfickes says:

    Uh oh, sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays. This cancer stuff has sucked really hard, but I’m happy to say there are a few silver linings coming out of all this pain.

    I promise next year will be better, but I can’t say anything about the post cancers. That pretty much still sucks, but it does make it much easier to laugh at life.

  2. Steve says:

    Jenn…I just saw a commercial for the Waxvac. It sucks all the wax out of your ears.(no more q-tips) How cool is that. And if I order now, I’ll get 2, for only $19.95. When you get all better, I’m getting you one.
    And, oh yes….WELCOME HOME!!!

    Steve S.

  3. ashfyre says:

    Hi Jenn! I am a fellow survivor, and I understand what you’re going through. It is important for you to have some time away from the reality and the pain. You need time to rediscover you. I have some ideas if you’re interested.
    Strive to be positive. Ask for what you need. If that doesn’t work, demand it!
    Julie B.

    • Sue Joyce says:

      If you decide that marathons, pilates, Avon or juice fasting is the new “just for you” thing we’re breaking up. Love you!

  4. Jessica says:

    and you dont have to figure it out alone

  5. Now that your home take the time to heal and be happy. Go on your date night! Spend time with the kiddies! With my fiance during the aggressive phase of treatment he was in high spirits. It didn’t hit him about having cancer and all the long term implications until he was sent home to his own devices and learning to live with the after effects of cancer and all yet to come. Support groups help. But what helps the most is “normal” things. Family. Friends. Do something for yourself and go on your date night! Best wishes!

  6. Jackie says:

    That is some great venting! Jenn, you are over half way there! It is darkest before the dawn! Keep up with Lau Tzo…it is amazing inspiration. Check out Buddhist teachings as well…Buddha is the ancient psychologist…gives great perspective on the challenges of the human condition. Pamper yourself sweet lady cuz you are kicking ass and you deserve it! You are AWESOME in so many ways!

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