Today was a rough one. I think I got a little taste of what losing it would feel like. And by “losing it” I don’t mean some campy teen sex comedy about prom – I mean actually losing my mind. I am quite sure that the combination of the new information about my predicament combined with the wait for further tests wasn’t great for my mental status, but then throw in not getting out of bed for days on end that the trifecta was completed quite nicely. Leaving me watching TV having thoughts about if this is going to be my last Christmas. I’m 37 years old. I should not be entertaining these thoughts.
The good thing about today is that I was at least feeling good enough to be on the couch instead of in bed. So, I made phone calls. I called my GP who told me that yes, these kinds of thoughts are normal. I am not actually crazy and am probably going through some of the grieving process that I didn’t really finish going through when I was first diagnosed. He told me that getting a second opinion is completely reasonable (as I was wondering if I should be talking to anyone else). I called the University and set up an appointment with their panel – they are going to request all my records and hopefully get me in next week. I talked to my friend in Atlanta who is a survivor and again told me that I’m not crazy, this is what happens. She assured me that I will feel better when I get it out and at least know that it’s not growing in there. I talked to the nurses at my oncologist who did a lot of reassuring me and left a message for my doctor to call. The oncologist called after hours and did make me feel a good bit better. She again told me that my feelings are totally normal and she made the phone calls that were necessary to get the PET scan approved so they should be calling tomorrow to schedule that. She said that we have continually gotten good markers from my lymph nodes and they look clear so that should bring me some comfort. Tumors are generally movers or not and mine appears to be happy getting bigger where it is rather than spreading so far so she thinks it will continue on that path. That is a good thing. I needed that reminder. She told me she has a lot in her arsenal and we are far from being done or beaten. That is of course good to hear. She wants me to focus on being active before surgery to get my lungs ready for it. I can do that – I need something to focus on so that is good. The meds I’m on now are not as sun sensitive as the first one so I can actually be out during the day exercising again. I think that will help my overall well being too. She didn’t think that sleeping 31 hours was out of the question for AC so I guess it is what it is as far as my reaction. I’m up now and it’s time to get focused on better things. Need to get my head out of the dark. Focus on the good and deal with the bad if that comes to pass. I don’t need to borrow trouble, I’ve got plenty of my own already. And just to throw another one in there – tomorrow is another day.