Losing It

Today was a rough one. I think I got a little taste of what losing it would feel like. And by “losing it” I don’t mean some campy teen sex comedy about prom – I mean actually losing my mind. I am quite sure that the combination of the new information about my predicament combined with the wait for further tests wasn’t great for my mental status, but then throw in not getting out of bed for days on end that the trifecta was completed quite nicely. Leaving me watching TV having thoughts about if this is going to be my last Christmas. I’m 37 years old. I should not be entertaining these thoughts.

The good thing about today is that I was at least feeling good enough to be on the couch instead of in bed. So, I made phone calls. I called my GP who told me that yes, these kinds of thoughts are normal. I am not actually crazy and am probably going through some of the grieving process that I didn’t really finish going through when I was first diagnosed. He told me that getting a second opinion is completely reasonable (as I was wondering if I should be talking to anyone else). I called the University and set up an appointment with their panel – they are going to request all my records and hopefully get me in next week. I talked to my friend in Atlanta who is a survivor and again told me that I’m not crazy, this is what happens. She assured me that I will feel better when I get it out and at least know that it’s not growing in there. I talked to the nurses at my oncologist who did a lot of reassuring me and left a message for my doctor to call. The oncologist called after hours and did make me feel a good bit better. She again told me that my feelings are totally normal and she made the phone calls that were necessary to get the PET scan approved so they should be calling tomorrow to schedule that. She said that we have continually gotten good markers from my lymph nodes and they look clear so that should bring me some comfort. Tumors are generally movers or not and mine appears to be happy getting bigger where it is rather than spreading so far so she thinks it will continue on that path. That is a good thing. I needed that reminder. She told me she has a lot in her arsenal and we are far from being done or beaten. That is of course good to hear. She wants me to focus on being active before surgery to get my lungs ready for it. I can do that – I need something to focus on so that is good. The meds I’m on now are not as sun sensitive as the first one so I can actually be out during the day exercising again. I think that will help my overall well being too. She didn’t think that sleeping 31 hours was out of the question for AC so I guess it is what it is as far as my reaction. I’m up now and it’s time to get focused on better things. Need to get my head out of the dark. Focus on the good and deal with the bad if that comes to pass. I don’t need to borrow trouble, I’ve got plenty of my own already. And just to throw another one in there – tomorrow is another day.

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6 Responses to Losing It

  1. Kristina Provinsal says:

    Hang in there Jenn, happy to hear your doctor say she has a whole arsenal behind her. Walking and positive thoughts sound like good stuff and a plan. I’ll walk tomorrow and think positive thoughts for you. Love to you and big hugs!

  2. Jill Breheny says:

    It is wonderful that you reached out to others who are survivors to talk today– Hugs to you!

  3. bigusfickes says:

    I’m just happy we don’t have to wait another four months for your procedures to start.

  4. Lauri says:

    I’m. So thankful you have friends that have been through this. I’m sure that must be a huge comfort for you. Kudos to you for continuing to blog! I think that is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Love you! Xoxo

  5. dietriotgirl says:

    I was going to suggest a support group but you already spoken to a survivor. It helps to talk to someone who’s going through or been through what you are going through. Yeah, everyone’s cancer is different but there still is a thread of relativity there. Sometimes friends and family and us strangers here on wordpress offer the comfort and support but still, it’s not the same. WE aren’t going through the cancer and situations and feelings you are. In a different form, yes. But still its your experience and yours alone. Sometimes talking to the people who ARE going through the same things helps you to feel a little less crazy. Sending you lots of strength and courage! I love your attitude to overcome these dark feelings and love your proactive approach to reach out. With those skills in your corner I’m positive you will continue to fight and pull through.

  6. Sue Joyce says:

    Hugs! That’s all I got.

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