The power of disassociation

And now we wait. I spoke to the nurse at my general surgeon and asked her when I should expect to hear something. She said it would be tomorrow because the scheduler is out at the plastic surgeon. The dates they have are the 20th or 29th. I called the nurse at the oncologist to let her know what is going on. She has been out of the office and had no idea. I told her the possible dates and she is going to speak to the doctor and let me know if they want me to come in for chemo. I’m guessing she’ll wait until we get a definite date tomorrow, but we will see. So that’s the update for now. Just sitting here waiting.

The oncologist did say yesterday that it is a good thing that my tumor hadn’t spread when we originally found it – she called it a mid-size tumor at discovery and that it had stayed local. She said some tumors get larger and larger without spreading while others are tiny but have spread. So being mid-size and local was a good thing. Can’t believe I forgot that yesterday in my update.

I went to sleep fine last night and am still doing fine today. I think I’m completely numb because I really have no emotional response to everything. Last night I even thought about what happened yesterday and wondered if I should feel like crying or something. I really didn’t. I know I was angry a couple days ago so I’m guessing yesterday just kind of made something snap and I am disassociating. I’m sure it will catch up with me at some point, but for now I’m just going to keep moving forward. Even after all of the numbness I’ve been feeling, this feels like more. It is really odd to just be devoid of emotion about much of anything. I have noticed I have a short fuse with the kids but that could be because they’ve had me up since 5am. Love that time change. I am kind of in the same place I was when I got diagnosed I think – just trying to cling to my “to do” list and make something happen, only now there really isn’t anything I can do except wait for people to call me. I have been researching diet and exercise and am going to work on eating better. I’ve gained a bunch of weight being on the steroid. Not sure how much I can do short term but I definitely have new incentive to get back to pre-baby weight. I read that being at a healthy weight reduces the risk of recurrence by 40%. That is huge. There are so few things I can control right now, at least that gives me something.

The waiting sucks and I hope I get a call from someone soon. I’ll update when I know more.

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2 Responses to The power of disassociation

  1. Jamie says:

    I’ve been looking for a work out buddy! We love going for walks. Let us know if you and the kiddos ever want to get the stroller out and go for a walk!

  2. dietriotgirl says:

    Alot of fruits have cancer fighting properties, so look into that to include in your health routine. Don’t worry about the weight so much right now, it will go up an down with treatment.

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