Back to freaking out

So, here I am. Back to freaking out. I guess the roller coaster I thought I was feeling before was just the pre-show. Going from thinking we were pretty much on track last Monday to this a week later is just insane. The helplessness is overwhelming at times.

I went to see the plastic surgeon this morning. I liked him better and he agreed that implants are the best option for me. I don’t have enough tissue for the flaps. Bummer that I don’t get my belly fixed but at least he did a very thorough exam, took measurements, etc. and gave recommendations that would be best for me (or at least I felt that way). I am going with him.

The thing that I didn’t realize until his exam is that the tumor is now visible looking at my breast. There is no denying that it’s a lot bigger than it was before. When we found it I could only feel it while lying down and even then it was difficult. Now I can feel it while standing and you can see the bulge from the lump in there. That was hard to swallow. Also, the surgeon said that tumors over 5cm require radiation so it looks like that is now a possibility. He said he thought it was likely based on being triple negative as well because they require more aggressive treatment. Also, the younger the patient the more they like to do radiation. So I got a lesson on how that will change my skin and everything in that area. Results from reconstruction won’t be as good with radiated skin, sometimes they do skin grafts afterwards, etc.

So this time, I was overwhelmed not by the surgery but by the cancer. How did I not realize it was that different? Did I know and just didn’t want to accept it? It is literally right under my nose, you would think I’d pick up on changes. Maybe because I am here every day, I don’t know. Maybe I just didn’t want to see it. I am right back to the beginning not knowing if it has spread, etc. It is killing me.

I spoke to the wonderful nurse at the breast center and she scheduled me for an ultrasound at 1:00 on Wednesday. Of course the doctor would have to order an ultrasound, but I will talk to her about that this afternoon. Their schedule was packed so she worked me in while she could and I’ll cancel if needed, but at least I’m on the books. She was hopeful that maybe it could be some kind of irritation, cyst, etc. rather than just the tumor. I guess I can hope for that, but it doesn’t really feel like it could be anything else. I just wish I could have a good feeling about something.

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2 Responses to Back to freaking out

  1. bigusfickes says:

    Today’s visit was better than the first plastic surgeon, but I’d say equally disturbing. It’s really hard to think about silver linings after all this time in chemo not helping, but there will be some.

    Maybe we should just get another TT after this is all over.

  2. Christina Cullinane says:

    Hugs Jenn! Hoping the team comes up with a plan with you soon… and you get some positive results. XXOO to you and the birthday girl.

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