How I’m doing now

So, how am I doing? That’s what everyone wants to know and the question I keep asking myself. I guess the best I’ve come up with is not great. I feel like I’ve been knocked back to the beginning. The old one step forward two steps back, but did we really make a step forward? I don’t even know. Not having a plan is really hard. The wait for the appointment is painfully long. I spoke to the study nurse again briefly on Friday and she told me that the doctor was going to present some options on Monday. Options. So all I’ve been thinking about is what those are going to be.

Surgery, I assume will be on the table. And I think it would be a good option. It makes sense to cut this out – it’s the only immediate solution that I know will actually work. Cutting it out is definite. Then I assume I would go back to chemo, although I honestly can’t think past the surgery. My experiences for surgeries have been 2 c-sections, wisdom teeth removal and the port surgery. For the c-sections I was obviously awake and the other two were “light sedation” via IV rather than actually being put under. I’ve never had a traditional operation with getting put under, intubated, etc. So that’s hard to think about. Then there’s the whole actual surgery and cutting off part of my body. Then the whole unknown with the reconstruction. So pretty much no part of it that I want to do. The whole thing scares me and I feel very angry about it right now. If stomping my feet and shouting it’s not fair would do anything, I would be out in the street doing it right now. But it won’t do any good and I know this has to happen so I am working to just suck it up. Pick the best options available and just try not to think until it’s over.

My guess is there will be at least one option with chemo before surgery again. I am trying to come up with any ways that this would be better than surgery. I’m sure the doctor will explain things, but right now I can’t. The Taxol didn’t work so I assume that means other meds would have an option of not working. Can I really afford to let this keep going if that happens again? Not really. What other meds would they try? No idea. This is basically a big unknown. I knew that sometimes chemo doesn’t work, but it just never occurred to me that it wouldn’t work with me. Surely mine isn’t any different from anyone else’s, right? This is the fluffy pink cancer that is soft and gentle and won’t actually hurt me, right? RIGHT??? How can mine be this special? How can mine not respond to the drugs they give to basically every breast cancer patient with great success? It can’t happen, right? Can you tell how long my days are? But this is all happening. It’s real which I still can’t believe.

Today is Evelyn’s birthday. She is two. I love her so much and she’s just the sweetest thing ever, it almost hurts to look at her sometimes. I hate that I can’t just completely focus on her today. Just let it be her day. It’s really not fair to her. We are having a party – very small but at least something to celebrate the day for her. I am very fortunate to have friends and family who are basically doing everything for us so that my feeble mind doesn’t have to. I’m really glad to have something happy to focus on today and am just trying to get through each hour until our appointment tomorrow. I see the other plastic surgeon in the morning so hopefully I will like him. The oncologist is at 4 so I will update tomorrow evening.

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2 Responses to How I’m doing now

  1. 9 years later I still scream and stomp my feet sometimes. It’s ok. It’s not fair. And this is different from not getting picked for a team or getting to take your turn. This is life and death. You get to say It’s not fair and stomp your feet because that’s how you truly feel. Believe me, I know it won’t change anything. But for a moment you will have the control of just feeling how you feel. Then you can go back to sucking it up. That last part was always hard for me. But I had a few wonderful friends and a good man to help me through and allow me to stomp my feet every once in a while.

    Happy birthday to Evelyn. Whatever comes, you’ll make the right decision at the time. Don’t “what if”. You made the best decision you could with the information you knew at the time. Trust that.

  2. dietriotgirl says:

    I think you deserve to be angry, stomp your feet, scream if you want too. It’s not fair. It is upsetting. You have the emotions and the right to express them. As long as those feelings don’t hinder you actions in actually taking care of yourself it will do you more good than harm. I agree with the comment above. I think you made a very good informed decision. Cancer is never the same for any single person, even the same type of cancer. I have faith tweaking the meds, changing chemo , will provide better results. I agree with your sentiments about surgery… ( just sharing my feelings in hopes it will help you feel better about your decisions) . I too feel the best next step is taking the mass out of your body and then chemo bombing any residual cancerous tissue with radiation is the most aggressive but practical method. I just believe the chemo and/or radiation has less work to do and more of an effect when its not trying to kill off a whole lump or mass. But, like i said before every one is different. But, I’m just trying to say if I was in your shoes I would of made exactly the same decisions you did and i would opt for surgery now like you are thinking of doing. Don’t self doubt yourself. You are making thought out decisions with the information provided to you. I think you are doing a stellar job in this fight, and I’m still rooting in your corner. Best of luck!

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