So, how am I doing? That’s what everyone wants to know and the question I keep asking myself. I guess the best I’ve come up with is not great. I feel like I’ve been knocked back to the beginning. The old one step forward two steps back, but did we really make a step forward? I don’t even know. Not having a plan is really hard. The wait for the appointment is painfully long. I spoke to the study nurse again briefly on Friday and she told me that the doctor was going to present some options on Monday. Options. So all I’ve been thinking about is what those are going to be.
Surgery, I assume will be on the table. And I think it would be a good option. It makes sense to cut this out – it’s the only immediate solution that I know will actually work. Cutting it out is definite. Then I assume I would go back to chemo, although I honestly can’t think past the surgery. My experiences for surgeries have been 2 c-sections, wisdom teeth removal and the port surgery. For the c-sections I was obviously awake and the other two were “light sedation” via IV rather than actually being put under. I’ve never had a traditional operation with getting put under, intubated, etc. So that’s hard to think about. Then there’s the whole actual surgery and cutting off part of my body. Then the whole unknown with the reconstruction. So pretty much no part of it that I want to do. The whole thing scares me and I feel very angry about it right now. If stomping my feet and shouting it’s not fair would do anything, I would be out in the street doing it right now. But it won’t do any good and I know this has to happen so I am working to just suck it up. Pick the best options available and just try not to think until it’s over.
My guess is there will be at least one option with chemo before surgery again. I am trying to come up with any ways that this would be better than surgery. I’m sure the doctor will explain things, but right now I can’t. The Taxol didn’t work so I assume that means other meds would have an option of not working. Can I really afford to let this keep going if that happens again? Not really. What other meds would they try? No idea. This is basically a big unknown. I knew that sometimes chemo doesn’t work, but it just never occurred to me that it wouldn’t work with me. Surely mine isn’t any different from anyone else’s, right? This is the fluffy pink cancer that is soft and gentle and won’t actually hurt me, right? RIGHT??? How can mine be this special? How can mine not respond to the drugs they give to basically every breast cancer patient with great success? It can’t happen, right? Can you tell how long my days are? But this is all happening. It’s real which I still can’t believe.
Today is Evelyn’s birthday. She is two. I love her so much and she’s just the sweetest thing ever, it almost hurts to look at her sometimes. I hate that I can’t just completely focus on her today. Just let it be her day. It’s really not fair to her. We are having a party – very small but at least something to celebrate the day for her. I am very fortunate to have friends and family who are basically doing everything for us so that my feeble mind doesn’t have to. I’m really glad to have something happy to focus on today and am just trying to get through each hour until our appointment tomorrow. I see the other plastic surgeon in the morning so hopefully I will like him. The oncologist is at 4 so I will update tomorrow evening.