Sleep and a little news

I just woke up again. Lots of sleeping the past few days – but overall week 6 has not been as bad as week 4. Just further evidence that I never have any idea what is coming my way. Not that I’m complaining, I’d rather it not be as bad as I’m braced for of course. I’ve been having lots of headaches (or maybe it’s one continuous headache? I’m not really sure, but at least the ibuprofen is still helping.

I am halfway through the first round of chemo. This round will definitely be easier than the second round meds and the first half is supposed to be a lot easier than the second half since the side effects are cumulative. I can’t help but mentally brace for the next 3 months,but overall so far it’s better than anticipated. As the nurse told me last week, so far I’ve dodged some big bullets. So fingers crossed that keeps going.

I’ve been thinking more and more about surgery. Every week it’s closer so of course it’s crossing my mind. I have thought a lot about what surgery I want. When I was first diagnosed, my gut said bilateral mastectomy and since I’ve got this time I want to make sure I’m thinking about all of my options. After much thought, I still feel that is the best route. If I do less, I really feel that I am not protecting myself and my family. I feel like I was given a gift by finding this cancer as early as we did. It is so aggressive – what if it came back and we didn’t find it this fast? I don’t think I would ever forgive myself if I had a recurrence because I didn’t do everything I could to prevent it. The feeling of not knowing how bad it is, the stress of not knowing if you’re going to live or die, of not having any control over that – it’s unlike any other feeling I’ve ever had. And I don’t want it again. I really feel like I cashed in all my good karma on this and I don’t want to tempt fate. And then there’s the whole angle of me fitting the profile for the unidentified genes – they can’t tell me for sure if I have one, but I fit that profile and I know this would be the recommendation if I did test positive. That scares me too.

Saying all of that, the surgery itself scares me. The only surgery I’ve ever had are my c-sections. At least I know from them that surgery hurts, but once you heal you are “normal” again – or what will be the new normal anyway. That pain doesn’t last forever. This will be a much bigger surgery. So I’m trying not to think about that part too much. Cancer scares me a lot more than this I guess. I know I have to go under regardless.

I’ve made appointments to see the top two plastic surgeons that my surgeon recommends. My main surgeon is a breast cancer specialist and has amazing bedside manner. She is fabulous. She basically does the deconstruction – takes out the tumor, makes sure there are clear margins, etc. Then the plastic surgeon comes in to do the reconstruction. They work together so I want to get in early to get on their schedules. The study has strict windows for treatments and my surgery. My window is January 30-February 25.

During all of this time, I have had a little secret good news that has kept my spirits up. It wasn’t my news to share but I’m excited to finally be able to talk about it. I am going to be an aunt! I am so excited and my sister is due in early March. So at least when things suck I get to look at sweet little ultrasounds and remember what it was like to be pregnant for the first time. She has her big ultrasound next week so I’m super excited to find out if it’s a boy or girl. I would LOVE to be there when the baby is born and am trying to have the surgery scheduled as early as possible so that hopefully I can be healed enough for the trip. Again, it’s really nice to have a good, happy distraction and not much does that like a baby.

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4 Responses to Sleep and a little news

  1. Jamie says:

    A family friend of ours just went through a double mastectomy. She tested positive for the cancer gene and like you, she saw no reason to not go that route. You are a beautiful woman, wife, & mama and your family loves you for who you are not for your boobs. (Besides, boobs can be replaced right?)…you however are irreplaceable. You amaze me everyday, even when you feel like crap from the chemo, I can still feel your positive energy through your blog. I wish I were closer to do more for you and to hug you in person. Never second guess your decisions, you know what you want and what is best for you and your family.
    Congrats on being an aunt, your niece or nephew will be so very lucky to have you in their lives.

  2. dietriotgirl says:

    Hey, i found your blogging while browsing through tags. I followed your blog, hope you don’t mind. I only read your very first entry and this, put will peek around through everything when I have more time ( probably later tonight while the hubby watches football). From what i read so far, I’m very inspired by your journey. My fiancee suddenly and unexpectedly was diagnosed with cancer, brain cancer stage 3.

    Just a quick thing about the headaches… it’s a common side affect from chemo. Ask you doctor about different management options cause if you take medication for it daily or several times a week you are liable to start getting rebound headaches( a headache from not taking medicine , kind of like withdrawal from the medicine) Ask your doctor about Excedrin ( its over the counter). But that medicine worked really well for my fiancee…better than some prescription pain meds. He takes two excedrin and half of later the migraine is completely gone and stays gone.

    • fickelchook says:

      So glad you found my blog! I hope that your fiancee has a good prognosis and I will keep him in my thoughts. You are so strong to be a care giver, I think that’s harder than being the patient a lot of times. Hugs.

      • Robin Redman says:

        Hi Jenn! I hope you get this. It would not let me reply where I wanted to. I hope you are seeing Dr. Jodi Chambers…she is the best! I work with her up here in Summit and she is the nicest, most caring person! So, if you are not seeing her…please check her out before you make any big decisions. I hope to run into you soon down at your parents house. Sending you lots of hugs!!! Love~Robin Redman

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