Rinse & repeat

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. I am getting through most days without the thought of cancer going through my head at regular intervals which is good. I do feel pretty numb overall – I am very into the kids right now but otherwise I just don’t have much sympathy for anyone’s plight which isn’t normal for me. It’s just kind of an overall distance from everything I think. I’m all about the schedule. The routine. It has become pretty much a “get through the day” kind of approach to everything. This week has been especially hard because I have had a lot more bad days than good. My weeks basically start on Tuesday since that’s the treatment. So, since last Tuesday, I was good on Wednesday and Thursday morning and then today has been my best day which still contained a nap. That’s four and a half days of down time. And of course, tomorrow is another treatment. So my whole existence right now revolves around treatment and the effects of it. Every Tuesday starts a new week – today is the last day of week 4.

I don’t think that anyone can really tell me how the treatments will be. I know that they can guess and that every person is different. I totally get it. But there is always the little birdie on my shoulder that reminds me – they said the first 3-4 would be “easy”. We are one month in. The second half are supposed to be “harder”, especially the last month. But the first 3-4 were the easy ones. I’ve alternated weeks of the treatments being easier and harder. If that continues, this next one might not be as hard – or it could be that I’m through with all of the easy ones. No way to know. I’m just trying to brace for the worst and hope for the best. What else can I do?

I feel like I’m just bitching at this point. That’s not my intention. I really have so little to think about other than getting through each treatment. I don’t think this part is very interesting to read about but I still want to document everything so here it is. Mom is going to take me in tomorrow. Fletcher will spend the day with a friend and my dad is taking Evelyn to the pool so the kids will have a great day.

I did finally get myself signed up for the newly diagnosed support group. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go, but I’m signed up. The group only meets once a month and it’s on Tuesday evenings. I’m usually super wiped from all the premeds on chemo days so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it, but I will try. I also can’t drive for 24 hours because of the premeds so mom said she could drive me if I’m up for it. I also signed up for the Look Good, Feel Better program. It’s a class that teaches you makeup and head covering techniques for chemo patients. Should be fun and apparently we can take home the makeup and whatever hats/wigs we like from the class. They are both in October so that should be something fun to break up the monotony too.

I canceled our Disney World reservations yesterday. I had been putting that off because I was really looking forward to that trip and I know I’ll still be getting chemo and can’t go but it’s such a bummer. I booked a Cars suite in the brand new resort and had gotten reservations at all the restaurants we wanted to go to. I just keep repeating that it will be that much better next year.

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3 Responses to Rinse & repeat

  1. Brandi says:

    I’m sorry you have been feeling so bad. Just wanted to say that I can totally relate. I too get chemo on Tuesdays and had to cancel a Walt Disney World trip. In fact, I’m supposed to be in WDW right now. Hang in there! I hope this is an easy week for you.

  2. Lara says:

    Sorry this is a rough week—-hopefully this week will be better. It’s great you have something to look forward to next month!

  3. Chris says:

    Bitch all you want. You have earned the right. We’re out here listening to you, whether you see us out here or not… we are thinking about you, praying for you, wishing we could take some of your pain away and suffer it for you. You are well loved, well liked and I wish you continued strength… this is a marathon and yes, what you are doing now is the best thing. Keep it up sister and stop being so dang on hard on yourself!! Love you!

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