Rough day in cancerville

So just when I am starting to figure all this crap out, another curve ball. Here I sit on Friday night feeling worse than I did on Thursday. What the hell. I have been in bed or on the couch all day. Feeling too crappy to even watch TV which I didn’t realize was possible. They told me it could feel like the flu and it really does so I’m hoping at this point that it’s just the chemo and I’m not actually sick. I have taken my temperature all day long and it’s been fine and I don’t have the runny nose that the kids have so I don’t think it’s from them. But seriously – sleeping off and on all day, hot flashes, super cold feet no matter what I do, constant headache, scratchy throat, sore all over, blah. I did manage to get a shower today and I visited with a friend who brought over dinner (thank you!!!) so those were my big accomplishments for the entire day. I just slept for another hour and woke up to read a book to Fletcher before bed. So I guess three accomplishments.

Fletcher appears to be better than he was yesterday so I think it was just a cold – so thankful to my folks for having him since yesterday. They also kept Evelyn all day today so I could wallow in my ick. She was up a lot last night crying for me and wouldn’t sleep without me holding her which didn’t make for a very fun night – and clearly she is not feeling great. Hopefully the ibuprofen will help her sleep more tonight and she will get over her ick as quickly as Fletch seems to be (knock on wood).

When they did my blood work on Tuesday, my counts were up from the week before. I am obviously not an expert on how this stuff works, but I could tell I had been feeling a little better after the weekend so I wasn’t shocked to see good results. I didn’t know those numbers could go up during treatment. I did wonder a bit if that was a rally cry that my body would be able to keep up with. I’m not sure if this is the crash after that rally or just how the chemo is going to be or what. I don’t like how much of a surprise everything is. I guess it has to be that way though, no one can know for certain how our body will react to things. I thought the nurse was pretty clear that week 3 was going to suck and week 4 would be better, but judging from today I think it was the other way around for me. Maybe every other week will suck and I will alternate with tolerable reactions? I guess I can hope at least that I will have weeks that are “good” or “okay” and that they all won’t be this. But if they are I will get through it.

I was laying in bed thinking about how bad I felt tonight. I could hear Eric sitting at the dinner table with the kids explaining to Fletch how the medicines make me sick and how all of this is to fight the cancer. How great it will be when it’s gone. It is so sad that at his tender age he has to learn this. I was thinking too about just how drained I feel, how bad it is, and how good that is for the tumor. A month ago my body was healthy, it was working, and that tumor was soaking it in. Living the good life. Growing 1/4 of a centimeter every week. Well we are showing it who’s boss now, huh? This is what it feels like to take that growth away and make that tumor shrink. To kill the cells. I need to wallow in that rather than thinking about how bad I feel. That we are making my body an environment that cancer can’t grow in. The good cells will be strong enough to survive, strong enough to fight the meds and regrow after all the cancer is gone. Just like me. Take that tumor.

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One Response to Rough day in cancerville

  1. Jessica says:

    my grandmother used to say ” a door doesn’t close without a window opening, but it’s hell in the hallway”
    i say let’s party when we get to that window!!!
    i wish i could carry some of your ick my friend

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