One month

Today was a lazy day. Our wonderful cousin took Fletch for most of the day and he’s at mom and dad’s having a sleepover tonight. Evelyn is trying to lose her nap so she wasn’t much help and I really wasn’t able to get a nap today. I’m tired. When I’m at home and can sit down I feel pretty good, then I try to do something and it’s a lot harder than anticipated. Mom took me to Target and getting to the car took effort. Then I was trying to give her directions and told her in a completely rational way to go right and pointed <- that way. I'm less than two weeks in and I already confused my right and left. I was using that as a joke and here I am. Dammit.

I was able to dedicate a bit of my day to emailing some people to watch the kids on Fridays. Clearly that is going to become an issue before I thought it would. We received yet another amazing gift from a friend today. I am really blown away by the great friends we have. Humbled doesn't even touch it. I am trying to write thank you cards every weekend, I hope that I am actually covering everyone and please, please don't be offended if I miss you. I really am trying to stay on top of that.

Several people have asked me if it is okay to share my blog with someone else. Please do. Shout it to the world. It's a funny thing, blogging. I write whatever is on my mind. I do very little editing – really just trying to spell all the words correctly. I don't ever think about anyone reading it. But this is real. These things are happening. And they're happening to women we all know. Yet very few people know what actually happens. Shit, a month ago I thought I knew something because I read that there were different kinds of breast cancer. Look at what I know now. Look at how much I still have to learn. If I am able to encourage people to feel their boobies, then I have done my job. Until we can stop cancer from happening, the only power we have is to find it early. So do yourself a favor and look. My cancer is so aggressive that the pathology report actually says that it had probably spread to lymph nodes – they wrote that just from looking at the cells. The pathologist has never seen me. Those cells are a whole new kind of messed up. They are small, they divide amazingly fast, and they are bat shit crazy. Have I written that there are metaplastic cells in there? That means the cells don't even look like breast cells – they look like cells from other parts of my body (like cartilage for example) – google it, it's crazy. But I was lucky. We found it remarkably early. Somewhere, somehow, I had enough good karma on my side that we found it before it spread. A lot of people are not that lucky. And I'm telling you I'm lucky while I have cancer so you know I mean it.

It's been a month. I was diagnosed on August 7th. One short month and look at everything I have been through. Physically I am still healing from all of the diagnostic tests, I've got my "robot" port as we call it for Fletch, I've had two chemo treatments, chopped off my hair and feel like crap. Mentally I feel like I've come a long way. I no longer think about the cancer constantly, I know I'm numb to things and have not fully accepted it but I can function. Overall I think I'm doing pretty well. I could be eating better, but that's the only big outward sign I think. Between the first and second chemos I had lost 1.5 pounds. We'll see what happens this week. I'm trying to not lose too fast but it's just so hard to eat. I know there are meds they can give me if I really start dropping weight but I don't want to need those. Must keep trying.

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One Response to One month

  1. Jenn,

    I am continually amazed at how much you make me laugh with the stories in your posts. Your blog brings back so many emotions that I had during my journey that I didn’t understand at the time. I know you feel like you are doing what you have to in order to survive and that it is just a natural reaction, but where you’re incredibly remarkable is your ability to share this with everyone else. I think it is good for you, but you may not realize the gift you are giving so many others. Others like myself that have never met you but feel such a closeness and protectiveness for you during this journey. I find it a little crazy that it’s only been a month with all you’ve been through but I imagine that at times it feels like it’s already been a lot longer.

    You have a wonderful spirit. Continue to let people do all they can for you so that you can kick the crap out of this cancer and get back to your life. And take the very best care of yourself that you can because you are truly a gift to so many.

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