All that typing and I forgot to write about one of the most important bits. I got my first “odds” report. This one came from the oncologist and looked at my percentage of being alive and cancer free after 10 years. With a lumpectomy and radiation my odds were in the 50’s. Adding chemo my odds went up to 79%. That was a bit of a shock to me. I really expected that number to be higher. She said if I respond well to the chemo before surgery (which they expect), those odds will likely increase. Let’s hope. It is pretty sobering to see odds like that. 10 years. The kids won’t even be grown up yet. 21% chance of being gone or having cancer. Saying that sucks doesn’t even begin to touch it. The only option I have is to do everything I can to make those odds better.
I am not looking forward to surgery, but I feel like having chemo first will make that easier. I just have to wait to see what tomorrow brings and what the results of the genetic testing show. I don’t want it to be spreading and of course I don’t want to stress about my family having the gene – but I do see that it would take the surgical decisions away and make everything clear. It would be nice to not be stressed about what is the best thing to do. I feel guilty even saying that. Like I should just know what the right thing is but if you’ve ever seen me try to pick out something at the store, you know that pulling the trigger is not my strongest quality. I do feel that the bilateral mastectomy would give me the best odds so I still feel like that’s really what I need to do. Just hard thinking about what the actual experience will be like. I think I need to do the least amount of thinking possible and just move forward and do what needs to be done. Just get through it, know I’m going to live and then I can read back over my blogs and think about everything.