People are morons. Smart, educated, kind hearted people. They are absolute morons. They can’t help it. We are wired to have emotional responses rather than logical ones. We are human. And sometimes that really, really sucks.
I went to the dentist yesterday morning. When I made the appointment I told them that I needed a cleaning before starting chemo so if they needed to do anything special for that, that’s what I needed done. There were three ladies in the office and each of them said something to me about it so they all knew. It started with the front desk, she was very nice said she was sorry, whatever. Then a young girl who turned out to be less than a year out of school took me back to do my x-rays. We talked about the mouth sores, dryness, and general symptoms that may be a general part of my future. She told me about all kinds of products than can help. She did the x-rays. During this time she mentioned that the doctor was out for a medical emergency so I may need to come back if I needed to see him for anything. Hopefully he won’t be out long, blah blah blah. Anyway… the woman comes in to do my cleaning. She and I have a pretty easy rapport and we retake a bunch of x-rays and then get to it. She is about 3/4 of the way through when the young girl comes in and says she needs to have a word with her outside. Smooth. They go in the hallway and there is a small celebration. Squealing, clearly some jumping up and down, etc. Totally normal, right?
The woman comes back in to finish cleaning my teeth a couple minutes later. She sits down and is waving at her face pretty big in an attempt to calm down. She blurts out that the doctor had to have a lung biopsy and it just came back clean and it is such a tremendous relief to everyone, they are just so excited. I looked back and made eye contact with her because she is still fanning her face. She is crying. Tears of joy. I really didn’t know what to say, I think I managed something like “that’s great”. She went on. About what a travesty it would have been for him to have cancer because he is so young… then she said not that you aren’t. Oh, and he has a baby… um, not that you don’t. I think I nodded. She had started repeating herself. She started telling me everyone in the office hasn’t been able to sleep since Saturday so this is just such a huge relief. I wasn’t even sure if this was really happening. She went into repeat – he’s so young, he has a baby, they haven’t been sleeping, I don’t know what the hell she was thinking because this was just making it worse. Finally I said, “look, you don’t have to tell me about not sleeping.” and she finally, thankfully, shut it. We got through the rest of the cleaning without another word. She gave me a wrap up – I have a crack in a tooth that I need to come back and have the doctor work on. Next was the polish. See ya later alligator. Then she went to the next room. I was pretty much just trying to look out the window and think of other things.
The x-ray girl comes back in to do my polish. She has me pick my flavor (I went with cinnamon) and starts in. Then she starts talking. Same thing. The doctor was so young and it just would have been so unfair for him to get cancer, especially with that baby! What would happen to her? It just wouldn’t be right. What a relief that they can all relax! I had a mouth full of grout so I really couldn’t say anything, but I would have to think my feelings were pretty obvious. And I know, it’s not about me. I keep repeating that to myself. But this was the same girl who was giving me chemo tips not 45 minutes ago, and asked me for the full rundown on my kids. I know I just had the unfortunate timing of being there for a purely emotional response to their stress. I know this. And I’m happy for the doctor, honestly I am. I’m glad that he, his family and his friends all got to have a celebration when his results came back. That must be a great feeling, a huge relief that I honestly can’t imagine. But again, I’m human too. And I respond emotionally. It took everything in me, but I made it to the car before I started bawling.
Apparently there really is something to this crying thing. I wasn’t self conscience at all this time, I just held onto the steering wheel and let it fly. I realized several minutes later that it would have been better if I had some kind of tissue in the car. Note to self. But just like it always has, a t-shirt works in a pinch. Apparently I’m going to have to keep a crying kit on hand for emergencies – or morons.
I’ve had a little time to read up on things from my surgical appointment. I’m glad that went so well because I was pretty tense going in after the dentist’s office. I think it sucks that my cancer is such an overachiever. But the faster it grows, the better it responds to chemo so I just keep repeating that. They sent me home with a lot to read so I’m trying to do that. I haven’t really formed any new opinions since yesterday.
I think I’m still in denial. I’m still not eating well – yesterday I had a donut in the morning which made my stomach hurt. Then my husband brought me a Jamba Juice to the doctors appointment at 2. I drank that and again, big tummy ache. But I went out with the girls which was so fabulous. I had two margaritas and we shared an appetizer sampler. So I at least got some food down. Going out definitely fed my soul though which after yesterday I especially needed. I’ve only gotten about 4 hours of sleep though so I really need to figure out a way to get naps in. Overall I am hanging in there. I have noticed my sympathy/tolerance is really low. When I was at my GP finishing up, a woman came in with a hurt ankle. She had a person with her to help her hop, open the door for her and carry her ice pack. She hopped in on one foot with her friends support, and then her friend got a chair to prop her foot on and laid the ice pack over it. It was quite a production. To be fair, maybe it was broken, I have no idea. But it didn’t look swollen to me and the production value just make me feel like it was possible she was milking the situation a tad. She was sighing a good bit and made eye contact with me. You know what popped in my head? Bitch, please – I’ve got cancer. Seriously. I know I’m a smart ass, but that’s my level of sympathy of others right now. So it looks like I’m becoming a bitch. Who knew?