Finally

Today is the day. I’ve got an appointment at 10:20 with the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and then we all meet with the surgeon at 2:00. By “we all” I mean myself, my husband, my mom and my dad.

I was thinking about the dentist and I am wondering why thy don’t use nitrous for other procedures. I’m sure the biopsy would have been more pleasant with a little. Not to mention the tests I know are coming up. I’m sure there are good reasons, it just seems funny that it is used pretty widely by dentists but not in other fields.

I went to see my GP again yesterday, again I am so glad to have a good doctor. He talked to me without making me feel rushed – alleviated my concern about the asthma being lung cancer (yea me for being out of shape!) but told me that usually when it’s spreading the symptoms are more of a general fatigue or feeling that something isn’t right. Which is the main reason I went to him. So now here’s hoping that it’s just my normal blahs. My sister is sure that’s what it is so let’s also hope that she is right. The bump on my head isn’t big enough for him to easily remove. So if I really want it off I would need to see a specialist (surgeon or possibly a dermatologist. I guess I’ll have to decide if it really concerns me. He said if I get it removed I will have a scar so I basically need to choose which one I want. Apparently it is only big to me so maybe it’s not a big deal.

Some of you have probably noticed that it’s not too easy to get ahold of me these days. The first two days after getting diagnosed, my phone died because I was getting so many calls and talking so long. As you might expect, that wasn’t so fun for me. So I rarely answer it now. I’m able to put it down and walk away which I’ve really never done. Yesterday I actually left it with my son while I went to the doctor. I had been gone a little over an hour and I missed 9 calls. I have no problem with people calling, just don’t want anyone to be offended when they get voicemail. My call back list is so long I am really not making much of an attempt at this point. I do get unlimited texts if people want to text me, or you can always send me an email or facebook message. I’m better at responding in writing.

I have received many cards which are lovely. I am trying to decide how to display them. During the holidays, I always make a string of garland that I staple the cards to so they are always visible. I think that the cards will make a good visual reminder of those who are supporting me through this so I’d like to do something like that. The notes that were written to me are so special and it’s clear that everyone has been affected by this disease and everyone has lost someone close to them. Not sure how it’s possible to not have a cure, but I’m thankful that they at least know how to kill it slowly.

My GP explained to me that the surgeon will give me options – everyone gets all of the options that fit their case. Sometimes it’s easier to just get told what to do but I feel pretty clear on my priorities. I want to see my kids grow up and no matter how hard losing part of my body is, it is worth it to hang around my family for another 40 or 50 years. He said some people are dead set on keeping their breasts and will do whatever it takes to have a lumpectomy. I really don’t understand that – but I would be so paranoid about it coming back I don’t think I could function.

The only one-on-one experience I have with cancer was back in high school. My best friends mother had a mastectomy and was cancer free for 7 years. Then it came back while we were in high school and she went through treatment, including a bone marrow transplant, and we lost her. I know that we all base out feelings in experience rather than science – but that is my experience. Logically I know that there are two time survivors, I know that lots of people only have one side done and it never comes back. But my experience with it coming back was not a good one. So I don’t want to give it any chance. It doesn’t deserve a second chance. It deserves to be killed in a very thorough manner. I’m not giving that bitch an inch.

I will see an oncologist and radiologist to get options there too. Radiation is a possibility depending on the details, but not a given. My understanding is chemo is a given, which I would expect. Honestly, I will do my research but I’m going to do whatever they tell me gives me the best chances. I’ve never had to deal with anything involving a survival rate but I plan to max that sucker out.

I ate better yesterday, well I wasn’t healthy but I ate. I had some cake that mom made (banana blueberry), a grilled cheese sandwich and then the rest of my son’s pizza at dinner. I did have juice so I at least got some good vitamins in there. I don’t have a specific juice recipe but people ask me a lot so here’s what I use for the most part: spinach, swiss chard (from the garden), celery, cucumber (garden), carrots, tomatoes (garden), apples (red and green), oranges and a lemon. If I have other fruits or veggies they go in too but I pretty much always have those things. I make a big batch and everyone except my son gets some – he won’t touch the stuff. It is sooooo yummy.

I got a couple presents for myself that have arrived the past two days. First I got a book to read the kids – the child psychologist at Children’s recommended it to me. It’s called Sammy’s Mommy Has Cancer. I did tear up a little when she showed it to me, but it wasn’t a tear jerker at all. It was well written to give kids a very high overview of things that they will see (the medicine to kill the cancer is so strong that mommy’s hair fell out. She still looked like mommy, but she looked different too). And at the end the doctors tell them mommy’s cancer is gone and her hair starts growing again. Hooray! I also got a DVD of The Replacements. Totally cheesy movie but if you know me well I don’t have to tell you that I love Jon Favreau. Plus it’s a feel good sports movie which I think will be good to watch. I may get that Marky Mark football movie next. I have been watching a lot of comedies after the kids go to bed which I’m sure isn’t a surprise. Anchorman, Zoolander, etc. They are starting to get funny again.

I will give you an update after my appointment this afternoon.

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4 Responses to Finally

  1. Paige Cunningham says:

    We’re all thinking about you and hoping today’s appointment gives you some clearer answers of what lies ahead!! Praying for you!!

  2. Jessica says:

    If you like Marky Marky check out Date Night with Tina Frey & Steve Carroll. It made me laugh harder than I thought it would & it’s worth the hour just for Marky’s abs!

  3. LynneAnn says:

    And you know I’ll give you a great big “I told you so” when we get the all clear on your lungs…

  4. Joe S. says:

    Danny, I need that ball.

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